The Smiffy bad taste horoscope chart


 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a f*cking idiot.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the police or M16. You have little or no influence over your friends and people resent you. You lack confidence and are a cowardly arsehole. Pisces people shag sheep and have bad breath.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advise. You are a prick. You seldom think others are good enough for you and you masturbate a lot.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamned Communist. You have an intense love for whips and chains.
GEMINI May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means that you are a selfish bastard. Geminians are noted for thriving on lies and gargling with a douche.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to people's problems. Everyone thinks you are sucker. You are always putting everything off. That's why you will always be on the dole and will never be worth a shit. Most Cancerians are frigid.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself to be a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and get their kicks from sniffing bicycle seats and kissing mirrors.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22) You are the' logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep whilst screwing. Virgos make good garbage collectors and pimps.
LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent because you are a con artist. If you are male, you are probably queer. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Librans die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve great success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. Scorpio women give good head because they have no morals.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or drug addicts. You are invariably impotent. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting f*cked.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You are a conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken-shit. You fear people and relationships. Most Capricorns prefer rubber dolls. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself